Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Fight the Feeling
Today was the book club I am in scholarship luncheon. As the president of the club, I had to be there. I prayed I would wake up not feeling like I have been since I began swimming my way out of the “D” tunnel. Every morning I have been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks when my husband leaves for work.
Each time I feel the anxiety surfacing the panic set in behind it…the panic feels worse than the anxiety. When I am in that mode, I am tempted to pick up the phone and call my husband or one of my children. I am proud of myself each time I don’t pick up that phone because they have lives to life and if I begin to call them every time an attack comes on, I would be creating a crutch. That is why I do not call them; I do start praying asking God to help me understand why I am experiencing the attacks.
Today I had a revelation of understanding my attacks. I have become afraid of my illness because of everything that has happened since April 9, 2008 when I had a bad IPIR experience. The experience did not kill obviously, but it scared me. I felt better after receiving oxygen, Benadryl and steroids, the worse was over so I thought.
After my IPIR experience, I went through…
-Making the decision to take Tysabri without my family blessing
-Not taking Tysabri because of a weaken immune system
-Choosing to go back on Copaxone because I experience the worse that could happen and I prefer to stick with something I know that works and I know what to do if I have another IPIR…an IPIR will not kill me, but the risk of contracting PML because of a weak immune system could.
-Causing a second degree burn on my chest
-Causing a second degree burn on my arm
-Wrecking my car for the second time backing out of my garage
The burns and wrecking my car was all from not having control of my grip in my right hand.
-Waking on one morning unable to walk on my right leg…thank God that only lasted for a day.
-Falling into a depression that could have resulted in a tragedy…I thank God my husband loves me enough to be putting up with me
After today, I know my anxiety and panic attacks will get better because my prayers were answered today. The unknown of the anxiety and panic was scarier than the attacks themselves. I received a calm when it became clear to me I was allowing all the above that happen to me within the last month build into fearing what MS can do.
I cannot stop what multiple sclerosis throws my way, but I will fight the unpredictability it brings into my life. Matter of fact, each time the challenges of MS knocks my on my a$$. When I fight back against MS, I feel stronger and proud of myself…I made it to the scholarship luncheon and performed my presidential duties :)
Multiple Sclerosis is one roller coaster ride I cannot get off… but I can conform to make the ride enjoyable for the rest of my lifetime.