Friday, June 29, 2007
The only downside to my day was not having my youngest daughter present, she now lives in Nashville. If I could have one birthday wish come true next year it is to have my baby living near me again. Receiving gifts and flowers are great, but the cards I receive from my family and friends’ expressing how they feel about me is
what keeps me going in my daily struggle.
My pain was bearable on my day and I was definitely thankful. Unfortunately, I am paying the price today the pain in my shoulders, arms, fingers and feet is making it difficult to type and concentrate. It is time to take another Lortab 10/500mg and if you know me, you know for me to down Lortabs every 4 hours to the hour IT'S BAD. Hell the pain is so bad I AM going to take a shot of Jose Cuervo and call it a day.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
I am happy to be alive because I didn’t think I would be around to see my girls grown because I became sick at an early age. My life today is more than I could have ever expected. I am thankful for my blessings and the prayer answered to live to see my daughters into adulthood. All the trials and tribulations I experienced earlier in my life were worthwhile to be living the life I have today and that is including living life with Multiple Sclerosis.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
My husband and a friend once told me I was a junkie and I thought they were crazy and laughed at their assessment of me. Because in my mind a junkie was someone strung out on crack cocaine, heroin, meth, or white powder cocaine. I also visualized a junkie as someone like my brother. I try to live as normal a life I can, while I battle pain, spasticity, tingling, numbness, dizziness, nausea, fatigue, insomnia, blurred vision, and ms depression while living with Remittance Recurring Multiple Sclerosis. This is not including my prescriptions for high cholesterol and osteopenia which I developed because of Solu-Medrol infusions that I have to take when I have an exacerbation.
Their statements made me think and inventory myself. For each one of my ms symptoms I have a prescription that could cause serious side effects at anytime while taking the drug. I found out the hard way you can still suffer a serious side effect from a prescription even if you had been taking it for months or years with out any problems. I also realized taking and depending on my medication to combat each of my above described symptoms, I am a bonafide legal prescription medicated junkie . If medicinal marijuana was legal to prescribe that one prescription would take the place of most of my prescriptions except for Copaxone. My insurance carrier pays out $35,000.00 a year for the prescribed medications that help control my ms symptoms, which is more than what many Americans earn a year.
I use to worry every year during insurance open season; that my health insurance carrier would find a technicality to stop insuring me or raise my cost to where I cannot afford to purchase insurance. I was worrying about the wrong thing I should have been more concerned about accidental drug overdoses. The cause of death for the infamous Anna Nicole Smith and other high profile individuals. I knew ANS death was going to be ruled an accidental overdose once the media reported the kind of medication she was taking. I understand how easy it is to accidentally overdose because it almost happened to me taking the prescribed medications to control my ms symptoms. I went from four prescriptions a day to ten prescriptions a day taking four pills a day from six of the prescriptions.
Legalizing medicinal marijuana would also lower the risk of accidental overdoses in chronically ill patients. Studies have shown medicinal marijuana would eliminate many of the prescriptions prescribed to chronically ill patients. It will also lower the risk of severe side effects that can be fatal to patients from legalized man made prescribed medication such as methotrexate.
I wish someone can help me understand how marijuana is classified as a schedule I drug with no medical benefits and the following drugs morphine, phencyclidine (PCP), cocaine, methadone, and methamphetamine are classified as schedule II with medical benefits with the United States Drug Enforcement Agency.
When will our government start listening to the sick in America and stop the unsubstantiated rhetoric that marijuana is more harmful than the above mentioned schedule II drugs for medicinal purposes.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Our Government Knows The TRUTH About Medicinal Marijuana...But Don't Give A Damn About Sick Americans
The University of Mississippi sends out seven cans of marijuana to seven patients across the country with an FDA stamp on it. For the last twenty nine years in this country the federal government has been, on every seventeenth of the month, been distributing canisters of medicinal marijuana to patients across the country. They started off with 21 [patients] and now it's down to seven, because they're the only people that have remained alive.
The longest surviving federal marijuana smoker in the United States,Irvin Rosenfeld,is alive and well.
It all began with Robert Randall who was diagnosed with severe glaucoma at age 24 and was expected to become totally blind long before he turned 30. He soon began a fascinating medical odyssey that has been memorialized in his “personal reflection” co-authored by his wife, Alice O’Leary, titled Marijuana Rx: The Patients’ Fight for Medicinal Pot (Randall and O’Leary 1998), and other books (Randall 1991a; Randall 1991b). Until the day he died on June 2, 2001 at age 52 of complications of AIDS, Randall retained his vision, and remained a vocal advocate for the benefits of clinical cannabis.
I personally believe the federal government and states includingTennessee (HB0486 and SB0641) wants to keep medicinal marijuana illegal is because of lobbyist for pharmaceutical companies. ONE prescription out of many multiple sclerosis patients take cost $1600.00 a month that totals $19,200.00 a year. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know WHY pharmaceutical companies DO NOT want medicinal marijuana legalized.
7 surviving patients in the USA remain in the Compassionate IND program.
The Missoula Chronic Cannabis Use Study thus provides a unique and important opportunity to scrutinize the long-term effects of cannabis on patients who have used a known dosage of standardized, heat-sterilized quality-controlled supply of low-grade medical marijuana for 11 to 27 years.
The Missoula Chronic Cannbis Use Study CONCLUSIONS AND RECOMMENDATIONS:
1. Cannabis smoking, even of a crude, low-grade product, provides effective symptomatic relief of pain, muscle spasms, and intraocular pressure elevations in selected patients failing other modes of treatment.
2. These clinical cannabis patients are able to reduce or eliminate other prescription medicines and their accompanying side effects.
3. Clinical cannabis provides an improved quality of life in these patients.
4. The side effect profile of NIDA cannabis in chronic usage suggests some mild pulmonary risk.
5. No malignant deterioration has been observed.
6. No consistent or attributable neuropsychological or neurological deterioration has been observed.
7. No endocrine, hematological or immunological sequelae have been observed.
8. Improvements in a clinical cannabis program would include already and consistent supply of sterilized, potent, organically grown unfertilized female flowering top material, thoroughly cleaned of extraneous inert fibrous matter.
9. It is the authors’ opinion that the Compassionate IND program should be reopened and extended to other patients in need of clinical cannabis.
10. Failing that, local, state and federal laws might be amended to provide regulated and monitored clinical cannabis to suitable candidates.
Finally in 1992, critics charge President Bush #1 killed the program and I agree with the critics. Many Americans who suffer with chronic illness are suffering because Bush #1‘appealing to a few cultural zealots and we are still suffering today under President Bush #2
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
I had to put this picture back up because of the emotions I was feeling when this picture was taken. I had no idea as a mother watching my youngest child graduating from college would spark emotions and memories of my own life. It is a feeling of a joy and happines only a mother can experience and I am one of many PROUD Mothers in this country of graduating black young people from college.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,
The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle's flight,
The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,
Then God combined these qualities,
When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
He called it ... Dad
- Author Unknown
My sister called early this morning and told me our brother Michael was beaten by drug dealers again. My first response "Did the beat him like the last time, when he was beaten nearly to death in the summer of 2005." When that happened we thought he would realize he have a problem and seriously go back into rehab to get some help when we found out he would survive. Thankfully, He was not beaten as he was in 2005 and I breathed a sigh of relief. We also talked about how each of us prepared ourselves knowing our brother will die by the hands of drug dealers. I told her how I have a twinge in the pit of my stomach that this summer will probably be the year we will be attending his funeral; she sadly told me she felt the same way.
After I hung up the phone with my sister, I thought about the destruction of Crack Cocaine . How it not only destroys the addict, the collateral damage of crack cocaine is the suffering of the addict’s family. Crack cocaine destroyed my brother when it hit the streets of St. Louis in the early 80’s. Unless, crack cocaine affected someone in your family you can only imagine the destruction and drama a family endure. It is a slow cancer sucking the life out of the family you once known before crack cocaine. It is not like in the movies where there is a happy conclusion; it's like living the movie Ground Hog Day only it’s a horrible nightmare that wakes you in the middle of the night drench in sweat and breathing hard because of the dreams you have about your brother. Only to realize the nightmare is the reality of my brother's destiny.
I can only imagine how my father felt that day my brother called him and begged him to pay $500.00 to his dealer or he was a dead man by the end of the next day. I will never forget that sound of fear and pain in my father's voice when he called and told me, "I had to pay the money because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't pay and they kill him".
I can only imagine how my mother felt that day when she was too afraid to let him into her house and sent him away without opening the door. I will also never forget the sadness in her voice when she said, "I was afraid to let him in the house because I was alone and didn't know what he will do in his present state of mind". The sadness in her voice was joined by pain and hurt when she told me her final words to him that night without opening the door was, ""M", Go away".
I do not have to imagine how I felt and feel as a sister when I stopped enabling him. Bailing him out of jail and giving him money was an enabler for him to continue his lifestyle…I had no choice but to stop giving in to him. I feel as if crack is killing me because I had to watch, I am still watching after nearly 20 years, how crack cocaine is slowly killing my brother, and I live daily with the knowledge, one day a dope dealer will beat my brother to death or shoot him dead. I constantly have to tell myself I should not feel guilty for deciding not to enable him with money, money that I know he would use and buy dope. I know there is nothing I could do to help my brother until he wants to help himself. He does not believe he is a junkie and he believes we are the ones with a problem.
I miss the laughter and fun we use to have when we were younger. No matter how much I try to convince myself I have prepared myself when it comes to my brother, I have a hurt in my heart that is aching terribly because there is nothing I can do to prevent what I feel and know will happen to him if he do not admit his addiction to crack cocaine. All I can do is continue praying God hear my prayer to grant mercy to my brother and not let him suffer anymore, in due time I will know how my prayer was answered.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
I believe if you treat people the way you want to be treated it will be reciprocated. People can be nice and they can be cruel. When I was first introduced to the blogosphere I thought about the danger of strangers entering your world of thoughts. Then I saw it as a fascinating way to bring awareness to Multiple Sclerosis and a way to share informative information to others. There are many drafts I’ve written that I never posted because I didn’t want my loved ones and friends to know I am not always strong person, since I have been struggling with an illness for many years I have many weak moments.
I contemplated many times about posting some of my most personal thoughts during my moment of weakness. I have made conscious decision to email certain people about situations in my life seeking information. When your life is threaten you become desperate, when you believe in something you offer your assistance, when you feel you trust someone you reach out for friendship. With that said the three people I emailed personally know who they are. Thank you.
Is the blogosphere a place for a person finding friendship? My answer is yes and no. Yes, because I know my heart is pure and my opinions and thoughts are just that my opinions and thoughts. People in the blogosphere may agree or disagree with them and I have no problem with that. No, because I could been wrong about the people I emailed, but that is a risk and chance I chose to take and by their response to my email I do not regret my decision.
There are many blogs I visit and I comment now and then. My favorite blogs are bloggers in Memphis because they discuss what is going on close around me. Which brings me back to people can be kind and they can be cruel. There are many blogs that discourage readers from commenting on a particular post. They normally have their core group who comment all the time, but when readers get the courage to comment on one of their post, I noticed how one of their core people calls them a troll if they do not like what was said. According to Wikipedia a troll is someone who intentionally posts derogatory or otherwise inflammatory messages about sensitive topics in an established online community. If a reader comments and it is not derogatory or inflammatory it is cruel of the blog host or their core people of the blog to call them a troll. If you do not want comments by anyone but your core group then put up a banner…you can read my blog, but if you are not a core person don’t bother to comment.
I remember when I first start blogging and a REAL troll masquerading as a known blogger to me invaded my blog. I was pissed and I copied and paste what at the time I thought was the name blogger to other bloggers in Memphis that was familiar with the known blogger. The bloggers I copied and paste what a troll did to my blog assured me it was not him. I was considered a troll to the bloggers core when I copied and paste what a troll did to me. I felt sooo stupid after I did that, but I was a novice to the blogosphere and I apologized to the blogger who have a troll on his site that attacks blogger who use their blog name.
I enjoy blogging about my experience living with ms, my family, pain, hurts, joy and life. I no longer care who will eventually read some of the postings I will post in the future. I battle with life and death more often than the average person and if death eventually win. My thoughts will live on forever.
Friday, June 15, 2007
The last time I posted on Thaddeus Matthews blog using my blog name. I was called a Tometta and non black by one of his commenter that hide behind Anonymous and other names aka (DG). I said that to say this, I wanted to post a comment on Thaddeus subject Have White Power Brokers Awaken A Sleeping Giant And Given Blacks A Cause?
I did not use my blog name or Anonymous, I commented as Calling It How I See It because I do not like commenting on Thad's blog, but I wanted to say what I wrote as "Calling It How I See It".
No matter how people personally feel about Mayor Herenton his accusation of how far some people will go in politics is VERY TRUE. There are some people in politics that will do anything necessary in politics for the results they want. I can say that because I experienced it my part of Shelby County and believe me they played dirty and dangerous. Politics in Memphis and Shelby County is connected like a mafia.
Getting involved in the politics in my part of Shelby County is no longer worth the stress and aggravation in my life. An investigation of the politics in Memphis and Shelby County is definitely warranted, but I do not see it happening anytime soon.
Finally, IMO it is time for the citizens of Memphis need to change their leadership regardless of the race card Herenton is shuffling to the African American community in Memphis. We voted for change in my part of Shelby County, but our Mayor is proving the fact that ALL POLITICIANS are lead by known and unknown POWERFUL people...average citizens are just pawns in their game.
THEY CAN HAVE IT! I will use my VOTE as informed as I can be and hope for the best
Monday, June 11, 2007
You feel as if a Mack truck has run you over when the day comes and you have to prematurely leave your job. I felt unproductive when I stopped working. I went on a quest to find a legitimate work from home company. Unfortunately, there are so many scams out there and people fall victim to the scams.
Well, I am here to tell you, there is a legitamate work from home company for people with disabilities. The following is a list of job opportunities for the disable that is NOW available with National Telecommuting Institute.
IRS Call Center Representative
There are 400 openings for this position, this is the one I do. When I first found out about NTI the IRS contract was in the pilot stage in just one state. It is now available in other states, Tennessee included.
Medical Transcriptionist...5 openings
Home based Quality Analyst (Technical)...8 openings
Home based Quality Analyst...4 openings
Customer Service Rep (Meijer)...10 openings
Home based Customer Care Agent...30 openings
I accidentally deleted my entire blog again. The Solu-Medrol infusion I received two weeks ago was what I needed to rid myself of the debilitating pain I was experiencing, but the side effects of the drug had to be counter with other drugs and it caused by brain to fry.
2007 is one of the worst years for me living with multiple sclerosis. It’s been difficult to stay positive, I was sooo pissed when I accidentally deleted my blog again. When it happened I said, “eff it, and eff everything.” I am about to hit my mid 40’s this month and I became sick at the age of 28, I start feeling as if I have been cheated. Then I begin to think about people who were inflicted with an illness as a baby or a child and here I am bitching about becoming ill at the age of 28. My whining is over and my depression is in check… I am back
My HEROES are disable people who live life to the fullest like there is no tomorrow and I strive to be like them.