Monday, December 31, 2007

Home Alone

Obviously, I did not go to Texas with my husband and daughter Sunday. I been experience numbness and weakness in my hands, I noticed it when I was preparing a feast for Thanksgiving. I tried ignoring it because I thought it would go away. I can no longer keep ignoring what I have been feeling because I experienced a new symptom that frightens me.

I had already told my husband I would not be going to Texas; I let him believe it was because I was upset with him. Which is wrong of me, but what the hell? I was upset with my Baby Girl because after putting my pride and stubbornness to the side and calling her to tell her I was sorry. She did not come home that morning. To be honest it bothered me, she did not come home until late that evening. I expected her to tell me she was sorry for her part of the argument and she did not after that, I shut down and decided I would give her what she want. I had nothing more to say to her and I do not know when I will.

My husband did not make things better when before my daughter came home, he said something I did not like, in all fairness to him. He did come to me and said let us start over, but I was already upset with my daughter and I was not ready to start over with him.

Hopefully, this new reaction I experience was because I was upset. Stress is a bit** it wakes up crap in your body and I try to keep my stress down. Although, I consciously felt I was not bothered by my daughter’s actions, subconsciously I must have been. When my nerves start trembling, I did not say a word. I did not say anything because I did not want to interrupt my husband trip (I was no longer mad with) and I did not want to be the reason he did not see his Mother (which I know is very important to him).

When I went to bed the nerve tremors on my left side was hard to ignore. I did not think anything of it because with my multiple sclerosis my nerves tremor mildly through out my body every now and then. As I said at first, it was mild, but gradually my entire left side started tremoring violently. It was so violent the entire bed was shaking. My mind start racing wondering what was happening. The violent shaking stopped after five minutes, but that five minutes felt like an eternity. My next appoint to my neurologist is not until February, but she gets in my a** when I do not tell her of noticeable changes. It is time to call because my noticeable changes have been headaches that caused dizziness and lost of balance, hand numbness and weakness, now violent nerve tremors. I bet a silver time my neurologist is going to schedule a Solu-Medrol infusion; I hope it will be for one day instead of three.

I am going to be optimistic about the violent nerve tremors, that probably happened because of the argument I had with my daughter and it was our first. My daughters are very respectable and I my feelings are hurt that my Baby Girl took her frustration of breaking up with her boyfriend off on me. The one thing I will not apologize saying to her is, “If you are broken up with someone, you cannot be dating. Because if you do date him now and then you are not broken up, you are just playing with yourself”.

I do not sugar coat LIFE with my children, I have always told them how it is because no one loves them as I do and I have no reason to lie to them. I know she is hurting from leaving her first love, but like I told her she is young and she will definitely fall in love again. A young man I know who likes my daughter afar, emailed me recently and ask me if she was still seeing the young man she met in college. I emailed him back and told him no, I want to share a portion of what he emailed back when I told him she was single. I probably should forward the email to my daughter maybe it will help her realize she will fall in love again.

The email referencing my Baby Girl...

So as not to bore you with more law school talk, I must say that I'm relieved that you weren't offended when I asked you about T***. I know that mothers can be very protective of their children. I do have to admit that I've been interested in her, particularly when you informed me that she was socially-conscious and had an activist streak in her. To any man who's also conscious, single, and ambitious, her qualities would stand out. And I'm not brown-nosing when I say that I could tell she had your spunk and passion when I saw how she got involved with various issues at Vanderbilt. And lovely too? Beautiful inside and out? What a combination. The bad part was that she wasn't single.

I haven't cyber-chatted with your "triple-threat" (T***) since long before the last time I corresponded with you, so I have no idea what's going on in her world. Anyway, let me not digress any further. She's a gem; that's undeniable. She probably deserves the best; I'd supply nothing less. But, unless I'm missing something, I don't think that she's looked at me in that way. Sometimes there are women who see later what they couldn't see sooner. Sometimes there are women whose preferences change as their priorities change (in life and in time). Sometimes it's greater later. Said Bill Withers: "Good things come to those who wait, but not to those who wait too late." I'm sure you understand. If I weren't knee-deep in law school preparations and plans, I'd probably email your Baby Girl.

Winning takes a plan and a strategy, along with many intangibles. No one can win for me but me, just like no one can get someone else into Heaven. If I might quote author Claud Anderson, we all have our own row to hoe, our own trail to blaze, and our own path to find. It would be one of life's uncanny ironies if my and Tara's paths crossed that way, but of course, the true question is whether the two ships intersect at parallel lines or at perpendicular lines. (Remember that from Math class?) If those lines are perpendicular, then those two ships will meet by coming from different paths and then will diverge because they're on different courses. If those lines are parallel, then that means that the two ships somehow meet while coming from similar paths but continue on, beside one another, while charting the same course forward. But again, no matter what the lookout sees, "It takes two to make a thing go right. It takes two to make it out of sight." If it's meant to be, it will be.

To me, she would be gold.
Her rarity - exemplary - unfolds.
The look of her lash, the purity of her pupils,
Cheeks that know no tear.
The luster of the eye, that innermost ambition,
Her driving force - no fear.
Whether in wind or in water, in humidity or heat,
Each day would be blessing, refreshing, unique.
Every blue moon, yes, dare there's a frown.
Heart's temperature up, up, then down.
But never, never long enough for her sweet smile to drown.
To hold her is bliss, so kind, the first kiss.
To acknowledge this not, is foolish, remiss.
Her energy, frenetic,
Her virtue, a wonder.
What D**** joined together,
May none put asunder.

Anyway, anyway, anyway...

Maybe you liked that poem, maybe you didn't. It was all in the spirit of fun (with a hint of seriousness).

Friday, December 28, 2007

Out with the OLD In with the NEW

My resolution for the New Year is to continue to live life as if each day is my last and continue a positive attitude as much as possible while living with the unpredictable illness of Multiple Sclerosis. I have goals in mind, but I am superstitious about talking about them. As I achieve them, I will blog about it.

Wishing everyone who read this blog a SAFE and HAPPY NEW YEAR! Leaving for Texas Sunday to bring in 2008...I'll be around again next year.

Baby Girl

This evening should have never happen. I am sorry for what I said to you and I forgive you for what you said to me.

There is a first time for everything and this was our first and hopefully last argument. We both stand firm when it is about principle. You are more like me than I realized, neither one of us wanted to give in. As I think about our argument you had a valid point and I hope you realize once your anger subside that I had a valid point.

When you left out of the house upset with me, I prayed to God to keep you safe. I hope you did not mean what you said. I am writing this post to you because I know you read my blog. Call me.

My LOVE is unconditional; I would lay down my life for you. I will always be there for you.


UPDATE (2 hours after posting)

After posting this post, I could not stop thinking, “What if something was to happen to me or my Baby Girl and the last conversation between us was an argument”. I do not think either one of us would be able to forgive ourselves.

Knowing my Baby read my blog was a coward way to say I am sorry. It was also out of pride and stubbornness not wanting to pickup the phone to call her after she stormed out of my house. As mature adults, we can still be childish at times.

I called my Baby to tell her I was sorry for my words in the argument and that I wanted her to come back home. She is home because of the Holidays and I do want to spend every moment I can with her. I honestly was no longer angry with her when she closed the door to leave and I should have stopped her before she drove off. Pride and Stubbornness stood in my way at the time.

Life is too short to allow Pride and Stubbornness to stand in the way of someone you LOVE.

She will be home in the morning.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Home For Christmas

This was the first Christmas I was home in seven years with my children and my grandchildren since they were born two years ago. My husband and I normally go to Texas to be with his Mother. His Mother is up in age and when he has time off work, he makes it a point to go visit her.

You have to love a man who loves his Mother and I definitely love mine. Not being home for Christmas with our children and more than ever since the grandchildren were born in 2005 had me torn. I was pleasantly surprised and pleased he decided we would start going after Christmas to visit with his Mom.

Words cannot express the happiness I felt being home for Christmas with my children and grandchildren after missing the last seven years. Although I enjoyed going to Texas, Christmas was not the same having them come over to our home before Christmas Eve to receive their gifts.

Our oldest daughter started her own tradition the year her son was born. Christmas Eve is at her home, family and close friends bring a dish to compliment her main dish and we exchanged and opened gifts there. I must have been very good because they spoiled ME this year.

Multiple Sclerosis reared its head, my body was in piercing pain, but I refused to acknowledge it. The joy of being with MY family this Christmas was worth putting off taking Lortab for the break through pain I was experiencing.

The highlight of my evening was when my grandson ran through the house hollering, “Uncle EJ, Uncle EJ, come here”. He grabbed him by the hand and pulled him in the direction he came flying out of, as I watch this I was wondering what was on fire. I looked over to my right and saw my grand daughter standing down the hall with a very out of the ordinary look on her face. I started to get up and access the problem myself, but I decided it was best I leave that alone because my grandson went to get her father and I was hurting to bad to get up.

When he approached, he took her by the hand and walked towards the bathroom. It did not take long to see what the fire was. My grand daughter tried to make it the bathroom by herself. Her pull up was full of the brown stuff. Thank God, I did not get up. He had to clean up a big mess and give her a bath. She tried and you have to give her credit. After witnessing his cousin dilemma, that grandson of mine can no longer get away with not letting someone know when Buster is ready to come.

I spent Christmas Day getting my pain back to a tolerable level. However, it was a wonderful Christmas for me. I hope Christmas was joyful and wonderful for those of you who read this post.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

It‘s Worse Every Year

I completed my Christmas shopping at the beginning of the month. I set a budget on how much I was going to spend and I stuck to it. I had a little left over, so I decided to buy some small items to go into Christmas stockings for my grandchildren and my little friends in the neighborhood. Of all days, no store I went into had enough cashiers; the lines were so long it was unbearable. One store literally had one cashier, what a joke. I left the store after spending the time to find the items I wanted.

I left the house feeling like Santa Claus...I came home the Grinch.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Time To Apply For NMSS 2008 Scholarship

I almost forgot, but it is not too late. Let you children and friends who are living with MS or who have a parent with MS know it is time to fill out the National Multiple Sclerosis Scholarship.
Download the following application and submit it by January 18, 2008. If you have any question click on this link for facts, questions, and answers.

The following is who is eligible to apply for an NMSS scholarship.

1. High school seniors who have a parent with MS who will be attending an accredited post secondary school for the first time.

2. High school seniors who have MS and will be attending an accredited post secondary school for the first time.

3. High School (or GED) graduates of any age who have MS and who will be attending an accredited post secondary school for the first time.

4. High School (or GED) graduates of any age who have a parent with MS and who will be attending an accredited post secondary school for the first time.

5. Applicants must be either a United States citizen or legal resident who plans to enroll in an undergraduate course of study at an accredited two-or four-year College, university, or vocational-technical school located in the United States. Applicants must be enrolled in at least six credit hours per semester in course work leading to a degree, license, or certificate.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

What Is This World Coming To

With the high price of gas, we are all looking for the bargain price. At Kroger, customers get 10 cents off a gallon for purchases over $100.00. Of course, if you can save 10 cents on a gallon it is a no brainer to go to Kroger and gas up your vehicle.

Out of all the people in line, a man decided to start a confrontation with my husband. My husband was the only black man at the gas station at the time and he was doing nothing different from any of the other customers. He was patiently waiting his turn for the pump. I pointed race out because I believe the man who started this confrontation was a bigot.
My husband pulled to the pump and gas up, out of know were the man started a verbal confrontation with him. My husband did not provoke the confrontation to another level, but he sternly advised the man he was there for the same reason everyone else was there and to leave him the f**k alone and to go about his business because he was through talking. I know my husband when he said he was through talking he was through talking, being retired military he went into his military training mode in the event this man approach him in a threatening manner.

My husband notice the man go into his trunk and retrieve a tire iron, but he was through with his business and he headed home. While he was driving home, he called me to call the police to meet him at the house because the man starts following him. I dialed the police to inform them of the situation and I stated if the man pulls onto my property, I would not be responsible for what may happen; I retrieved my husband’s 45.

Knowing how crazy this world is and after getting that type of call from my husband, I armed myself to protect my husband and myself in case the police did not arrive in time. Fortunately, the police arrived a couple of minutes after my husband pulled into the driveway and the man who wanted a confrontation kept going. I was thankful I was not put in a position to do bodily harm to another human being. The police confirmed the man was a known troublemaker when they recognized the description of the man and his car given to them by my husband. The officers recorded it as an incident report in case my husband ever run into this person again. This way if my husband path crosses this bigot again and my husband hurt this man protecting himself the law was aware of a previous incident.

This incident comes on the hills of a good friend of ours who was in an altercation at a service station in different municipality just a couple of weeks ago. What in the he** is this world coming to? In all my years of living this is the worse I have seen our country. People can’t go to school, to the shopping malls, and now gas service station without some crazy sh*t happening.

Marvin Gaye song about crazy sh*t 36 years ago and this country is going backwards instead of forward.

What's Going On!