Friday, November 30, 2007


I have not grieved as I am now since the death of my maternal grandfather 25 years ago. I am carry on with my daily activities, but I feel as if I am just going thru the motions. Since Mary’s death, I have not been sleeping well. I finally took an Ambien 10mg Tuesday and Wednesday night to no avail. My doctor called the pharmacy and prescribed me Klonopin to take with my Ambien.

I was hoping I did not have to take a Klonopin, but as I began to type my thoughts, I decided I should. However, I thought it was best for me not to take another Ambien along with it, since I been taken Ambien from prior days. I hope the Klonopin is effective tonight, because the pain I feel from multiple sclerosis is breaking through with a vengence while I am wearing a Duragesic Patch. I do not think it would be wise to take a Lortab for this break through pain tonight since I have taken a Klonopin. I lived with multiple sclerosis long enough to know I am on the verge of an exacerbation. The last thing I want now is to have a Solu-Medrol Infusion because of an exacerbation.

It was months before I was able to move on grieving my grandfather 25 years ago. For the sake of my health, I have to find peace with Mary’s death. I thought I found peace when I felt her presence during my daughter’s wedding. Today, I had to stop myself from picking up the phone to call her. When that happened I was mentally back, to the morning she died and that unbearable sadness engulfed me all over again.

Inspirational music is a comfort for me and tonight I choose this to give me peace to get through the night. I look forward to waking up tomorrow with a renewed strength.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Wedding Pictures

Bride Getting Ready To Walk Down The Aisle

Isn't She Lovely

An Angel Received Her Wings

The following is the last email I will ever receive from Mary:

Subject: Friday
Date: 11/21/2007 8:01:32 P.M. Central Standard Time
Reply To:

Hey Debra,
See you Friday afternoon. I can't find my bridal shower invitation is it
Friday or Saturday? HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in a better place after the death of my good friend Mary. She was on her way to Tennessee to attend my daughter’s wedding. Unfortunately, for those of us who loved her God was ready for her to come home. I was with her husband when we arrived at Crittenden Memorial Hospital and saw that she was dead when we looked into her hospital room.

Mary would have never made the trip to Tennessee if she thought the cold she was suffering with was more than a cold. Mary suffered and lived with pulmonary sacroidosis that developed into pulmonary fibrosis (the abnormal formation of fiber-like scar tissue in the lung). This actually distorts the structure of the lungs and can interfere with breathing, especially the ability to exchange oxygen in the lungs.

The attending physician at Crittenden Memorial Hospital said her body received too much oxygen. A normal oxygen level should be around 35 and her level was over 120. He said, in cases like hers when mucus build up the patients turn up the oxygen level on their tank thinking it would help their breathing when they are having difficulties breathing. It is the wrong thing to do because too much oxygen shuts down the body.

I have said it before and I will say it again, when you live with a chronic illness, it is not the illness that will eventually kill you; it will be the medication we take to control our illness that will kill us. Oxygen is what killed Mary just as methotrexate almost killed me last year.

Regardless of knowing, I live with an illness with no cure and Mary lived with an illness with no cure. I refuse to live my life as if it is over. Mary was the same way, she lived life to the fullest and I take comfort in knowing when she died she was happy. At first, I felt guilty because she was on her way to visit with my family, and me but she loved to travel and she loved attending weddings.

Matter of fact, it was at the wedding when the heaviness of my heart lifted. I felt Mary’s presence in the church and at the reception as I was living the Botanical Gardens I felt her stamp of approval that the wedding was a beautiful and loving occasion.


Saturday, November 24, 2007

How Do You Mend A Broken Heart

Tonight should be a time of happiness and joy because my daughter is getting married tomorrow evening. I cannot stop my tears and my heart feels as if it is broken in a million pieces. I cannot believe she is gone.

I should not be questioning God, but I am. Why did he take her so suddenly and without warning? My mind will not let me rest because I have so many questions.
My good friend Mary died this morning in a hospital 40 minutes away from my home.
She was on her way to celebrate the marriage of my daughter tomorrow. I do not know how I am going to make it through what should be a happy occasion, this pain is worse than the pain I live with having Multiple Sclerosis.

Mary I am going to miss you! What am I going to do without you?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Dwight Fryer

Dwight Fryer was FANTASTIC, we had a good time last night, but I came home exhausted and feeling some extra pain. I will not be posting until after the holiday. I have family coming in for Thanksgiving and I have a daughter getting married the Sunday after Thanksgiving.

I am praying I do not have an exacerbation with all that is going on.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Drug Pump

I do not know if I can have a drug pump inserted in me to administer medication directly into the spinal fluid of my back. A friend of mine who also live with MS called to tell me that is exactly what he did. He went into the hospital to have the Intrathecal baclofen (In-trah-THE-kal BAK-loe-fen) drug pump inserted into his spine.

Only people who experience severe pain can relate with one another. Living with severe pain is a *itch. From a scale of 1 to 10 on a pain chart, I live daily at a scale 7. Each time my pain scale moves up the chart I have to adjust my life in order to have a life. Then I have those days that doctors call break thru pain that hits the 10-scale point or off the charts all together. To suffer consecutive days with pain at that level it starts to affect you mentally. I experience the emotional effect of pain and I do not ever want to experience that again. (If you want to know what that was check on July’s archive because I will not be linking it anymore when I refer to that time in my life).

That is why when David told me he had Intrathecal baclofen drug pump inserted in his spine, I understood his desperation for relieve. I am desperate to find relieve when my pain goes of the charts, I cannot see myself doing what he did, but I also cannot say I will not.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Circle of Friends

The Circle of Friends Book Club is hosting a program with the award nominated author, Dwight Fryer, who wrote The Legend of Quito Road on November 15, 2007 at the Millington Civic Center. As President of the Book Club, this blog post is an official invitation to join us next Thursday evening.

To learn more about the Circle of Friends Book Club read my interview in next week Millington Star Newspaper and check out my first freelance article in the Commercial Appeal My Life section.


If you are interested in joining The Circle of Friends we meet every third Tuesday of the month at various locations. Drop me an email for more details.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Bohemian Rhapsody

It started on Halloween, my right leg buckled with pain while I was running errands. Pain puts me in a depressive state of mind. Guilt starts building within me because I feel helpless when I become bed ridden because of pain. This time I chose not to feel guilty laying in bed for days.

Finally, this classic brought me out of my depress state.