Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I Refuse To Stress Out
My mind has been on overload since Saturday morning. I pushed what I thought I felt out of my mind when I was showering. As I began to get dress for the walk, I decided to check again to ease my mind. Damn, it was still there. My mind start thinking about my ex mother-in-law and my first cousins who all had double mastectomies because of Breast Cancer. I had to push those thoughts back because I had something important to do; my thoughts were taking me to a place I did not want to visit.
The walk is over, I have no more excuses to ignore THE LUMP I felt. I checked again to make sure I was not imagining the small acorn size lump. Nope I was not imagining it; it is still in the same location when I first discovered it. I start cursing myself for cancelling my mammogram appointment in December 2007. That was the first time I ever cancelled, I just did not feel like having my breast smashed down to a thin pancake. What a fool I was, I am now thinking if I had not cancelled, maybe what I feel now would have been spotted and today my mind could be at ease.
My mind wants to go to when I witnessed my ex mother-in-law and first cousins journey of battling breast cancer, the surgery, and finally the reconstructive surgery. I know the mind can play terrible tricks and right now, my mind is playing terrible tricks on me. I refused to allow my mind have me think THE LUMP I felt is CANCER. I have to wait until May to have the mammogram; I am going to try my best not to worry myself to death until then.
From my mouth to God's ears…as of today when I publish this post, each and every time my mind strays to THE LUMP, I will focus my mind on something positive until I have confirmation what THE LUMP means to my well being.