Monday, March 24, 2008

My Life Living With MS

A fascinating MS blogger asked me the following, “what pain are you having with your MS”. Instead of answering her question in the comment section, I decided to answer it as a blog post.

I would not wish the kind of Pain I live with everyday on my worse enemy. My pain affects me from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. Having Multiple Sclerosis definitely sucks, if I had a choice I rather live with all the other symptoms of MS than to live with the PAIN everyday. Unfortunately, for me PAIN is the symptom from MS that classified me disable.

Each day is different when it comes to my PAIN I never know which pain will rear its head. I suffer with neurological, severe muscle, and joint pain. For the past 7 months, I have been wearing a morphine patch 24 hours a day 7 days a week and I still feel pain. The difference is my pain is on a scale of five out ten wearing my patch. Yes, that is bad enough for me to take my Lortab daily, but I choose not because I cannot function on Lortab.

When my pain is neurological, every nerve in my body is affected and I literally cannot move. When my pain is my muscles, it feels like a Charlie horse magnified by 100. When it is in my joints, I feel like the Tin Man in major need of oil. I feel it all...aching, burning sensations, stabbing, pins and needles. Regardless, of the three different pains that will visit me daily and no telling which body part, I will not take Lortab to help the morphine. When I first start taking morphine I felt no pain, I was given Lortab for breakthrough pain, I had no idea my pain would start breaking through a month of being on the patch. I have no choice but to take Lortab when my neurological, muscle and joint pain visit together affecting me from my head to my toes...which is a living hell when it happens. My only hope is they do not visit me together more than three days. I thought it was depression that wanted me to do this, come to find out from my doctor after seeking help for my lapse in judgement, living with the kind of PAIN I have is what causes my depression (although MS causes depression) PAIN can and will push a person over the edge.

I was given the option to increase the dosage of my morphine patch, but the morphine patch has already elevated a heart enzymes, huh I go see a cardiologist about that this coming Tuesday. No matter what the outcome, I cannot stop taking something for my PAIN because if I did I would try to do what I did in July of last year. I am in a catch 22 the medication is slowing killing me, but without the medication to control my PAIN somewhat I would kill myself to make it stop. Just typing that last sentence is the last thing I would want to do. I know my death is going to be from medication because there have been many days my heart felt as if it was going to stop.

Please do not let what I am saying stop you from taking whatever medication that are out there to help you with your symptoms because I am grateful for the medication. I am grateful that medication is giving me the opportunity to live somewhat of a life, to be here as long as I can with my family, and to make a difference to others with what I do and how I live my life.


Michelle said...

Sorry I haven't been visiting lately. I thought you were going to be AWOL for awhile with many projects on the go. Sorry to read that the pain is not lessening at all. Seems we are 'too' in tune to our bodies. I envy my Grandma. She had such a high pain threshold, it was amazing. Hang in there. Wishing you some relief however brief to shore up your spirit.
Stay inspired!
Expand your mind ~ visit Brain Angles

Nicole said...

Mom - You are a fighter! I admire your strength, endurance and postive outlook on life. Though you live with this pain, you continue to inspire me and others who visit your site with your unwavering spirit. By His stripes you are healed - proclaim it! I love you with all my heart! -Nicky

Blinders Off said...

Hi Michelle,

My pain threshold use to be tolerable it is getting difficult, but I am hanging in there. Staying inspired is the best remedy in living with this pain.

Blinders Off said...

Hi Baby Girl,

I get my strength from you and your sisters. I am looking forward to seeing you next week.

Merelyme said...

i am so sorry you are living with so much pain. i have been fortunate so far as to not have much pain from my MS...mostly some spasms now and then. wish i could take it all away for you.

Blinders Off said...


Living with this kind of pain toughens you up :)

I hope you never have to experience it during your MS journey.