Monday, July 9, 2007

Still Not My Time...The Choice Is Not Mine To Make

My frame of mind is better. When I opened my eyes I didn’t expect to still be here, but I am bless that I am. I know longer wanted to pick up the gun and shoot myself. The mind living with multiple sclerosis can become so confused to the point all you can think about is ending life.

To ease my pain and suffering I would have inflicted pain, confusion, guilt, and hurt to my family. I lost control of all my rationale thinking during a temporary mental lapse in judgment. I allowed the worsening of my symptoms from the heat
cloud my better judgment. I allowed the heat to imprison me inside my home again instead of living life.

The last time I became that suicidal is when I had to inject myself with the inch and a half needle into my muscle to control my ms symptoms. That was years ago and suicide is one of the serious side effects of Avonex. Of course I was immediately taken off of it and I had been injecting myself with Copaxone since. Copaxone is not known for causing suicidal tendencies, but I will mention to my neurologist how close I came on July 07, 2007. I honestly didn’t have control of my actions and that is something to be concern about. I do not want to take my life by my own hands. Did the heat affect my brain to that point? I don’t know, all I know at the time I felt hopeless and tired of living.

Because of my actions it is time start seeing my psychologist again. He was able to see me today and it was decided it’s important to come back to find out why I suddenly and out of no where wanted to die. If anyone can help me understand my actions on July 07, Dr. J is the one to help me. He is the one who gave me the courage years ago to leave my house, get over fear, panic and anxiety attacks when I allowed my illness to control my life. He is also the one who freed me from my self impose home prison.

I feel embarrassed admitting and exposing to the world that I wanted to take my life July 07, 2007. The embarrassment is admitting I too can become weak and loose control of my rationale thinking. It takes courage to realize I needed help and do something about it and I have always been a courageous person, I just lost sight of it July 07, 2007.

I guess God is not finish with me after all.

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