Saturday, July 7, 2007

I Am Tired I Want To Give Up...My Fate Is In God's Hands Today


I am struggling with MS depression and I am trying to fight with all I have today. It also does not help living with severe MS pain daily. I am contemplating suicide at this moment. I taken
Xanax,Lortab 10/500 mg , and Ambien 10mg hoping I never wake up. If I do wake up from my drug cocktail, I have beside me a 25 caliber handgun to blow my brains out. Why didn't God take me when methotrexate went toxic in my body June 2006?


I put the cold steel to my temple with my hand on the trigger, but I prefer to go by going to sleep. If I wake up from my cocktail and still feel this overwhelming depression I pray I am thinking somewhat rationally and not pull that trigger.

I am tired of life; I am tired of living with this unpredictable disease. I have comfort in knowing my job has been fulfilled raising my daughters to be independent young ladies. Hell, I use to think I wouldn’t see them grow into the young ladies they are today. I hope they will understand why I want to end it today and pray if I am successful in my attempt they do not blame themselves. I know this is the cowards way out, but the fight in me is slowly disintegrating. I had to be strong for people all of my life, but I feel very weak right now. I have become a prisoner in my own home because of the heat.

I am tired of fighting for people who do not want to get off their asses and make a difference, I am tired of the hate in this world, and I am tired of giving myself daily painful injections to control the spread of lesions in my brain. I am also tired of all the medication I have to take, I am tired of the pain, I am tired of the numbness, I am tired of the nausea, I am tired of the eye problems, I am tired of the tingling, I am tired of being the person that have to put on a brave smile regardless of how I feel, I am tired of feeling dependent on others when I am experiencing depilating symptoms of multiple sclerosis, I am tired of feeling as if I am a burden on my family, I am tired of the unpredictable symptoms of multiple sclerosis I live with everyday, and most of all I am tired of witnessing how fucked up our country is...a dynasty that will fall like all other dynasties in the world.

I lived my life in a way any parent would be proud of their child for and I always treated people how I would like to be treated. Yet I feel I am always bumping my head on a brick wall battling my illness, pleasing others and fighting for what is right. When will enough be enough, today, tomorrow, next week, next month , or next year.


I pray that I am forgiven because what I am doing to myself at this moment is a sin and I pray God forgive me. I also pray that my Mother, Father, Sisters, Brothers, Husband, and Children forgive me. What I am feeling today is more than my heart and body can handle and I have no more strength to be positive today. Ending it may give me the peace I seek. I am having trouble being positive for myself today. I don’t know if this will be my last post, only God knows if I will be successful in my attempt to end it all today. Only God knows if he is ready for me now to pass on.

9 comments:

Cyndy Alvarado said...

When I read your blog today, I heard my mother...she had MS and her journal read like you wrote it.

Don't give up...I have recently discovered a solution to what you are going through (too late for my mother) and I would like to send you some information.

There is hope for a better life. Call me if you are interested in learning more.

Sandra said...

You were the first to respond to me with encouragement when I was told I had a chronic illness. Remember when you once emailed me and said the feeling of hopelessness is temporary and life is a precious gift no matter what cards you were dealt. If it is your time to go, God will call you home the decision is not yours.

I pray you get through this moment of MS depression. You shared how difficult this year has been for you, don't give up now. Your spirit is what keeps me going.

I will continue to check back because I know you are strong and you are feeling a moment of weakness right now.

Anonymous said...

Never Give up, no matter what is going on Never Give up. Develop the heart too much energy n your country is spent developing the mind instead of the heart. Be compassionate not just to your freiends but to everyone. Be compassionate, Work for peace in your heart and in the world. Work for peasce and I say again Never give up. No matter whast is happening. No matter what is going on around you. Never give up. the Dalai Lama

I have a Tshirt with this written on it. I have had MS for 25years and I have had bad times but so far I have hope.

Never Give up hope.

Bright Blessings
Anam Cara

Blinders Off said...

Thank you all for your concern and I appreciate your comments. When I woke up from my drug cocktail I took action by getting help.

Cindy, you can send the information you have to my email address on my profile. I am sorry about your mother and if I can help it I will not be giving up like I did the other day.

Sandra, Thank you for letting me know my rambling helps someone.

Anam, I lost hope the other day, but that was because I wasn't thinking straight and foolishly did what I did HOPE is what keeps me going and why I inject myself daily.

Anonymous said...

Don't give up. U still have hope. Jesus loves you! He can deliver you from all these

Common said...

Blinders Off,

I'm so glad you weren't sucessful. I didn't read this when this was happening. I thank God for the chance to tell you something you should know. You are a source of encouragement to me.

Anonymous said...

I was searching the net for "never give up". Interesting that it brought me here. I know how you feel, yet I also know how those who love you feel. When my son was 16 he attempted taking his life, but was not successful. At this moment he lays in a bed totally dependent on others to care for him. He can't talk, walk, he can't eat, he can't control when or if or where he will go to the bathroom. He is concious, aware, he responds (with much effort) by giving a thumbs up or thumbs down. He is able to nod his head yes, but it is difficult to nod "no". He smiles. yeah, he smiles, he has that ability physically and emotionally, he smiles every day. I can relate, your circumstances suck, but there is more to life, this one and the next, than circumstances. YOu never know what will happen! You may try something thinking you can control the outcome and get away from the circumstances you don't want and end up with worse. Then again, something may change and your current circumstances might get better. One thing is for sure, if you were to take your life, even attempt it, IT CAN'T GET BETTER! It would either be over or worse.

This morning, on my way to work, I decided I'm going to smile today. I believe there is power in determining to feel happy. Some say that is fake, that it is suppressing how you really feel, it may be supressing how you really feel at that moment but I believe a consistent determination to "feel good" is powerful. I also believe that there is help in this. If it weren't for Jesus Christ I wouldn't have made it to where I am, I woudldn't be able to decide to smile today. If you want to give up, give up on the life you have, instead of chosing death, chose a better life. Seek Jesus Christ. To some that sounds foolish but to those who go to him, really go to him there is the ability to decide to smile each day.

Blinders Off said...

Anon 9/18:

I believe there was a reason you were directed here when you did a search on "Never Give Up". What that reason is only God knows.

I want you to know I smile and I smile often, but on this particular day my pain so severe it took away my rational thinking. I am thankful I was not successful in my attempt.

What I did was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I knew better, but on this day I was weak. I also believe there is a reason God spared me and that’s why I am still here just like there is a reason your son is still here.

Thank you for your comments and I pray you keep smiling and remind people suicide is not the answer.

Anon 7/21:

You are right Jesus does LOVE me!

Anup said...

Hi,
I am Anon 7/21. My name is Anoop. Just like the person on 9/18(Anon 9/18) said; I too was searching for some phrase when I came to your page, which I believe is not by chance. After a long time yesterday I thought about checking your blog again to see if you read it. I don't know much about MS except for some article which I read on the net. But I know Him who could understand you and your condition better than anyone else. Because he is the one who created me and you. I would like to share this verse from Bible.

Isiah 53:1-6 verses from NKJV
Who has believed our report? And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed? For He shall grow up before Him as a tender plant, And as a root out of dry ground. He has no form or comeliness; And when we see Him, There is no beauty that we should desire Him. He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; We have turned, every one, to his own way; And the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.
All you have to do is turn to Jesus and give up yourself..... to Him. I dont know whether you have already done this or not. I am sure that He won't let you go because He has said "whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
All your pain and all your thoughts, give them up to Him. He was wounded for your transgressions, He was bruised for your iniquities; Yes indeed Jesus loves you..

Anup