Saturday, July 7, 2007
I Am Tired I Want To Give Up...My Fate Is In God's Hands Today
I am struggling with MS depression and I am trying to fight with all I have today. It also does not help living with severe MS pain daily. I am contemplating suicide at this moment. I taken
Xanax,Lortab 10/500 mg , and Ambien 10mg hoping I never wake up. If I do wake up from my drug cocktail, I have beside me a 25 caliber handgun to blow my brains out. Why didn't God take me when methotrexate went toxic in my body June 2006?
I put the cold steel to my temple with my hand on the trigger, but I prefer to go by going to sleep. If I wake up from my cocktail and still feel this overwhelming depression I pray I am thinking somewhat rationally and not pull that trigger.
I am tired of life; I am tired of living with this unpredictable disease. I have comfort in knowing my job has been fulfilled raising my daughters to be independent young ladies. Hell, I use to think I wouldn’t see them grow into the young ladies they are today. I hope they will understand why I want to end it today and pray if I am successful in my attempt they do not blame themselves. I know this is the cowards way out, but the fight in me is slowly disintegrating. I had to be strong for people all of my life, but I feel very weak right now. I have become a prisoner in my own home because of the heat.
I am tired of fighting for people who do not want to get off their asses and make a difference, I am tired of the hate in this world, and I am tired of giving myself daily painful injections to control the spread of lesions in my brain. I am also tired of all the medication I have to take, I am tired of the pain, I am tired of the numbness, I am tired of the nausea, I am tired of the eye problems, I am tired of the tingling, I am tired of being the person that have to put on a brave smile regardless of how I feel, I am tired of feeling dependent on others when I am experiencing depilating symptoms of multiple sclerosis, I am tired of feeling as if I am a burden on my family, I am tired of the unpredictable symptoms of multiple sclerosis I live with everyday, and most of all I am tired of witnessing how fucked up our country is...a dynasty that will fall like all other dynasties in the world.
I lived my life in a way any parent would be proud of their child for and I always treated people how I would like to be treated. Yet I feel I am always bumping my head on a brick wall battling my illness, pleasing others and fighting for what is right. When will enough be enough, today, tomorrow, next week, next month , or next year.
I pray that I am forgiven because what I am doing to myself at this moment is a sin and I pray God forgive me. I also pray that my Mother, Father, Sisters, Brothers, Husband, and Children forgive me. What I am feeling today is more than my heart and body can handle and I have no more strength to be positive today. Ending it may give me the peace I seek. I am having trouble being positive for myself today. I don’t know if this will be my last post, only God knows if I will be successful in my attempt to end it all today. Only God knows if he is ready for me now to pass on.